So after writing last week’s blog I was instantly struck by something. The past week I was feeling a lot less fear than usual. First of all, I had the courage to post that last blog, I can’t even tell you how many saved drafts I had of times that I tried to do that same thing and then chickened out. Sometimes I would chicken out just a paragraph in. So what’s different?
Honestly? I chose to be braver. I am a deeply anxious person, I rarely do ANYTHING without an intense internal battle. I second-guess EVERYTHING. I reread every email I send to clients wondering if they will think I’m being rude without the email containing an exclamation point. I hold back saying things, I overthink. It’s just what I do and I likely will always have huge aspects of that as a part of my personality. I operate under no illusions that my life will ever be truly free of anxiety. But like I said in my article last week, we made society, we can change it. That same line of thinking applies to my own life and my own role in society. Things will only change if I choose to change them. I can’t just sit around hoping something will happen to me. I have to make it happen. If I want to live more creatively and more authentically, I have to choose to start living that way.
I’m not saying it’s easy and GOD, let me tell you how much I hate when people say, “Happiness is a choice.” Because some days it’s ABSOLUTELY not. Some days I wake up and my brain just TELLS me that I’m going to be unhappy that day, there really isn’t much I can do to change that. Although I can choose to keep going and not let the sadness overwhelm me. In the face of anxiety and depression just the mere act of keeping going is a revolution against yourself. It’s fucking hard. (Excuse my french, but remember we’re being authentic now.)
I was struck by something at the end of last year, and that’s that: My life will not change unless I change it. No matter how much I long for things to be different or for my dream job to just drop on my lap. It won’t. I have to go out there and chase it. I have to make things happen.
I’m really grateful for these last two years. They’ve taught me so much. There is immense value in genuinely taking stock of where you are and how far you’ve come. Change is slow, but it happens. Your younger self would be proud of how far you’ve come. I hate getting out of my comfort zone. I resist it at every turn. But the fact of the matter is that every time I’ve been uncomfortable, I’ve grown. I look at the people I admire and there’s a common denominator, they are honest and outspoken. They talk about where they are and where they’ve come from and how they got there and how they’re feeling. So I’m starting to do that too.