Allow me to discuss with you some complex feelings.

I believe this has already been covered by me, but one thing you should know is that I am a hopeless romantic. Give me the whole fantasy, kissing in the rain, Darcy confessing his love to Elizabeth on the misty English moors, curtsies and petticoats and bouquets of wildflowers. Here. For. It.

Now that that’s off my chest let me explain how difficult it is to be a human person when your mental picture for the way life is supposed to play out is informed by books, and movies, and fairy tales. It’s a challenge because life has moments like the above, but it is not actually something out of a storybook.

So I want to go to bakeries in the morning and eat croissants whilst reading the newspaper or a novel. I want to sip coffee at a French cafe I want to sit in a library having intellectual and philosophical discussions with people. I want to go to balls and wear flowy dresses and live in a decently sized, but quaint home with creaky floorboards and locks with real keyholes.

Instead I wake up and watch YouTube. I go to a 9 to 5 and sit at a cubicle in an office and stare at a screen. I consider it a victory if I remember to set the delay on my coffee-maker the night before and certainly don’t have time to go to a bakery before work in the mornings. I will likely go my entire life without ever going to a ball and I almost never wear dresses unless I’m going to an important meeting.

The point being that because I want the first option some part of me never really feels fufilled with the way my life is, but it’s such an ordeal to simply BE, let alone add the kind of spice and intrigue I desire for my life. So I always feel a little bit melancholy. One, because I wish life was a little more whimsical. Two, because I wish I had the mental capacity/energy to variate from my routine a little and add some whimsy into my life. It shouldn’t be difficult, but it is.

I genuinely don’t know if this will resonate with literally anyone else out there in the world, but I REALLY wanted to articulate it. I’ve felt like this my whole life and I pray that one day I can add enough… I don’t know… pizzazz? into my life to balance out my hopeless-romantic tendencies with my realism.